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I have two children, 9 and 11 years old.We have always limited their technology, but only We bought them before the pandemic tablet to Give them the opportunity to get education, entertainment and their friends. Then I started to worry about their increasing use with Set more restrictions on the screen time.
Full disclosure: I am a phone addict.So I introduced a rule, when we don’t use them, we all put them in a box (I broke this rule most). During the last lockdown, we got my The older child has a phone call.She has asked Douyin – She has friends, but I refused because it has all kinds of things that are not suitable for age.However, this is how her friends communicate, so As long as it is a private account on my device, I allow it, so I can monitor it and her messages. She reluctantly agreed. I know I need to take a step back, but how can I do this without neglecting my responsibilities as a parent?
I now allow her to visit by herself DouyinBecause she was Feeling left out in the school conversation, But tell her i Will check her posts from time to time. Did I make the wrong choice? What is the right balance? Is my desire to control too strong? I will like some reading materials in this area.
Many parents worry about technology and tend to be very strict (which is unrealistic), and then feel unconfident about the decision and therefore give in-then it will fall into free fall. But this problem does not need to be all or all. Some parents use the user’s minimum age as an exit, for example, “This is not my rule-this is not allowed.” TikTok’s minimum age is 13 years old.
Your long letter ranges from rules to lenient to excessive control to change of mind. I think you have a good understanding of this. This is commendable, but you need clarity and consistency. Rachel Melville-Thomas, child and adolescent psychotherapistchildpsychotherapy.org.uk), said: “This is really about anxiety; in fact, it happens to be about mobile phones and tablets. I think this is a funnel you worry about. Your fear may be because your daughter spread her wings. .”
When your child is young, your rules seem to be followed, which gives you a sense of control. For older children, it is more about negotiation than regulation. As children get older, they need to learn to navigate for themselves.
Melville Thomas wants to know where your partner is in all this: “Who is helping you balance things?” This is the best sharing of loads.
Technology is part of our lives, so it is better than a total ban or strict censorship to teach your children that if they make a mistake, they can come to you. If you are too picky, that won’t happen. Once you say “yes” to social media, it’s hard to look back, so you need to come up with some realistic rules together. Sit down like family and talk about your concerns and needs. For example, you can agree not to use your mobile phone upstairs or during meal times. Not only is this collaborative effort more likely to be followed, but it also shows your children that you trust them and care about their ideas. However, although you will discuss this issue as a family, remember that you are an adult and have the final say.
In addition, you need to lead from the front. If you can’t follow the rules, they will think you are inconsistent and hypocritical-not the label that any parent wants. “All parents are trying to be consistent,” Melville Thomas said. “So if you make a mistake, you can say,’I think it’s okay to allow you to do this, but I think we need to review it.'”
You request reading materials; Melville-Thomas recommends Resuming dialogue Shirley Turkel, Focus on what we will lose if we are all staring at the screen.
In your long letter, you said that you don’t use social media, but it’s a good idea to let your parents know about it. Understanding usually dilutes fear, at least you will be able to speak from experience. Also: stop reading their news. You don’t need to know everything that happened. You are not doing this to teach your child trust or autonomy.
Children grow up by making mistakes and overcoming them. Think of this as physical things, like walking-you won’t try to catch them all the time. They need to learn balance. They are here too.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri solves a family-related problem sent by a reader.If you want advice on family matters from Annalisa, please send your questions to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets that she cannot communicate privately.Submitted content is subject to our terms and conditions: please see gu.com/letters-terms.
A conversation with Annalisa Barbieri, a new podcast series, available Here.
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