How to tell if a person is a narcissist

problem: How do I know if a person is a narcissist? My wife and I have been together for ten years, and in the past three years, I have secretly realized that she is a narcissist. She is totally narcissistic and puts everything on her. If I pay attention to anything else (including our children!), she will be jealous. She often disappoints me, and when I point this out, she will beg for forgiveness, but will do the same thing again. How do I know if she is a narcissist, and more importantly, what can I do? I love her, but we can’t go on like this anymore.

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Reply: It must be difficult to acknowledge the characteristics you see in your partner now-and it is really difficult to live with them.

Narcissism is now a hot topic, and to be honest, the term is a bit too casual. But let’s see what narcissism is, how it feels when you have a relationship with a narcissist, and what you can do.

What is a narcissist?

A narcissist is a person whose self-awareness and self-importance are inflated. They appear to be very ostentatious and often talk about themselves and their achievements. They need praise too much and are very sensitive to criticism. Under the mask of their extreme self-confidence, there is actually a very fragile self-esteem.

Narcissism has a certain scale. On the one hand, we have self-concern, but on the other hand, in extreme cases, we are classified as a personality disorder.

Most of us have some narcissistic tendencies-they can actually stay healthy in small amounts. Many characteristics of narcissists are praised in our culture, and when these characteristics become problematic, it is difficult to realize them. You may even value your partner’s narcissistic characteristics because (especially in the early stages of a relationship) they can be very attractive.

Behind narcissism is actually extreme vulnerability. Narcissistic traits are developed to help someone feel better about themselves and survive in the world.

But knowing this does not necessarily make the relationship with them easier.

Relationships with narcissists can be painful and harmful. We often don’t know the signs that we are dating until it’s too late.

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Signs of your relationship with a narcissist:

• In the beginning, they make you feel special and seem to know what you want

• They desperately need praise, admiration and attention

• It is really difficult for them to accept criticism or any kind of negative feedback-when you give it, they may react positively

• You find yourself stepping on the eggshell trying not to disturb them

• It is difficult for them to sympathize with you and reduce your harm

• You always put their needs and feelings first

• They think they deserve special treatment

If you have a relationship with a narcissist, what can you do?

If you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist, what to do depends largely on their narcissism and their ability to take responsibility, where you are in your relationship with them, and your safety.

Narcissists often find it difficult to change their behavior-admitting that their behavior is imperfect (or at least reasonable) is too painful for them.

Even asking these questions to someone with a strong narcissistic tendency can be challenging. You often face denial—or worse, they turn it back to you. You may end up feeling that you did something wrong, and even when trying to share how they hurt you, you may even find yourself apologizing for your actions.

In your relationship with the narcissist, you begin to doubt yourself. They often cut off your other support networks, including friends and family. By criticizing and belittling you, they will increase your self-doubt. They also become people who make you feel better. So you become dependent on them.

The threat of a partner leaving only exacerbates the insecurities of the narcissist, and when you try to do so, they will act even further. They may increase criticism and derogation, show anger, or collapse and beg for forgiveness as your wife has already done, and start the whole cycle again.

If you decide to leave a narcissist, know that they will often find a way to attract you. The limestone method is most often cited as a technique for dealing with narcissists. This involves interacting as little as possible and showing little reaction to their actions.

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This is my advice to you:

The characteristics you describe are consistent with narcissism, which is certainly not conducive to a happy relationship.

Contact your own therapist first. Asking someone to listen to you, verify you, and make sure you are not going crazy can help you gain the support and confidence you need to change your relationship. A good therapist can also support you through communication tools and ask questions in a way that is unlikely to cause a negative reaction.

If your wife is willing to consider issues related to you in your relationship, you will have the opportunity to make changes together to make your relationship more satisfying.

If she is unable or unwilling to accept what you say, you will face a very difficult dilemma. I know you have children, so leaving is very difficult for you. If you decide to leave, please be firm in your decision.

Isaiah McKinmi Is a couples therapist, sex therapist and sexologist.For more expert advice, please follow her Instagram.

If you have questions about Isiah, please send an email to relationship.rehab@news.com.au