help!A male colleague thought I was scared

[ad_1]

Dear OOO,

I am a female middle manager in a medium-sized company. “Ben”, a male colleague I was relatively close to, told me, “Steve”, a male colleague I was not close to, told Ben that he was afraid of me. Steve and I don’t work in the same department, but we often meet together. Now I am very conscious of him. I swear, I am a good person, not a bully, but I like to speak out, I think Steve interprets it as intimidating? Ben thinks this is just because I am a woman, but I don’t know how to deal with this man now-help!

–Martin

This is definitely because you are a woman, which is undoubtedly inevitable. I need zero additional information about your workplace or character, or let Steve know without a doubt that he is either afraid of you-or telling others that he is afraid of you-because he feels uncomfortable with women in the workplace.

I know this because I have been told four times that I have become scary like a man every time. (In this case, 75% of people, like you, are afraid to tell myself, so my information is filtered out by another man.) I know because I asked a lot of other women, for example, I know I am a good person! —Whether a person ever accuses them of fear at work, everyone says yes. I know this because I have worked with many men who call themselves feminists but treat men and women differently in the office, and because I work with many men who consciously or unconsciously change their behavior at work to adapt to them Women working together. I don’t know your Steve, but I know Steve.

I also know that because academic research proves this. 2015 Learn Published on Personality and Social Psychology Briefing It was found that “men feel that women in high positions (compared to men in high positions) are more threatened (compared to women) and therefore take more confident behavior towards these women.” In one part of the experiment, the men were instructed to decide How to distribute the $10,000 bonus between yourself and the virtual manager. When a female manager is described as “ambitious,” the man keeps most of his money for himself. One of the authors of the study said: “People think men are more worthy and more suitable leaders than women.” Tell cut then. “Ambitious agents are also aligned with male roles. Therefore, men seeking power will not dismantle or challenge traditional gender hierarchies.”

I realize that the verification from the Internet consulting columnist is that Steve is the problem, not that you did not solve the problem. However, it does enable us to face the right problem: you work with a man who does not like women at work. (In other words: You are not afraid.) The trouble is, there is no easy way for men to deal with women better (laugh/laugh). Whatever you do, don’t try to change Steve’s behavior. It is seldom good to change one’s identity, and in any case it is an unfair request. At the same time, it is not possible to face-to-face with someone who already thinks you are “horrible”. You will feel self-conscious for him for a period of time, but try to be a normal, kind, and direct self. This is the problem he wants to solve, not your problem.

But let’s talk about this.Some colleagues are Very close They told each other everything, and if my closest colleague didn’t tell me that someone called me “scary”, I would be very disappointed.But your use of the word “relative” makes me think that maybe you and Ben are not closely related, in this case He should never tell you. Except for a very close friend, this is not a message anyone wants to convey! It is too late to put the toothpaste back into the tube, but Ben is indeed the obliged person. If he hadn’t put Steve in his place now, then he should have gone back and said something. He can first tell Steve that you are not scared at all, it is really great to work with you, and he should try to get to know you better.

Regarding the extra male biscuits, Ben should also gently suggest (or not gently!) that it is a bit sexist to call women a horror, because she said what she meant. Once again, there is indeed no easy way for men to work better with women. But there is a hard way: This requires the fools of the world to step up.