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My aunt passed away. Her only daughter, Beth, cannot afford the full cost of the funeral. She is 61 years old and has two jobs, sometimes even three jobs to make ends meet. She has children in her 30s, but they also struggle to make ends meet.
My cousin Mary and her siblings are considering helping her pay for the funeral. They have a close relationship with Beth and have been in contact with her for many years. My brother Tom sent a message to me and my two other brothers, saying that Beth may not be able to pay for the funeral. Both of my brothers agreed that they would be happy to help in any way.
The whole conversation made me feel uncomfortable because I have not had any contact with Beth or my aunt for more than 30 years. However, my aunt is my dad’s sister, so I understand why my brothers should help. I remained silent and didn’t answer until I had a chance to think.
Three days later, I did not receive any news from my brother about the funeral arrangements, so I checked the details of the funeral online. I decided to send Beth a Mezzanine, because I knew that she and my aunt were very religious. I think this gift is very suitable for my relationship with her.
The next day, I heard from Tom that Mary and her siblings decided to donate $500 each to help pay for the funeral. The full cost of the funeral has now been paid.
My brother went on to say that Beth would no longer have my aunt’s social security check. (My aunt lived with Beth when she died.) Tom wants to know if we are all willing to contribute and send something. He said he was willing to match the $500 that my cousin gave Beth, and asked if we would each donate $500. All my brothers agreed to do this.
I told him that I had sent something to Beth. I haven’t heard from my brother since that email. I have always been very frugal, which troubles Tom very much. This is not a question of affordability. For me, considering that we are not close and have not been in contact for decades, giving Beth $500 is a lot of money.
This situation keeps me awake at night. I’m not sure if I didn’t donate $500 if I did it right. What do you recommend?
-H.
Dear H.,
It is a good gesture for your brothers to send $500 to Beth, but it is certainly not wrong for you not to donate. Most of us have limited resources. If you haven’t seen Beth or your aunt for 30 years, it is understandable that giving $500 is not a priority for you.
You did not say how long it has been since you exchanged emails with your brothers. If it is only a few weeks, or if you are not very close, I will not automatically conclude that they are angry.
Try to call, email, or text your closest brother to say hello. There is no need to mention your aunt’s death or Beth’s suffering. However, if the brother you contacted calls you for not making a contribution, please do not apologize. To reiterate what you have said, that you have not seen any of them in 30 years and you have sent something yourself. Then, try to shift the topic to what is happening in your own life.
If your brother chooses to brood about what you do with your money, then the problem is with them, not you. Your brothers may not approve of your frugality. But they are really unnecessary. You are brothers and sisters, not spouses.
I suspect you are thinking too much. It happened. You refuse to do what other people are doing, which may cause you to re-guess yourself. Even if your brothers are angry with you, I guess it will take a while.
If you encounter a similar situation, the question I want to ask you is: Are you willing to be frugal? Or would you rather not worry about everyone being mad at you and staying up all night?
There is no right or wrong answer here. If your frugality is important to you, please stand your ground in the future. However, if such requirements are relatively rare in your family, it may be worthwhile to go with the sheep to avoid those sleepless nights.
It’s not about what is wrong or right. It’s about what is most comfortable for you. But it is up to you, not your brother, to decide.
Robin Hartill is a certified financial investor and the senior author of The Penny Hoarder.Send your tough money questions to [email protected].
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