Recently I met someone I like. Unfortunately, he is divorced and has five children. His children live in another state far away.
When we first dated, he made it clear that he was very rich and all the money after his death was given to his children. I immediately shut down. It just doesn’t sound right. He broke the family unit with five children, invited a new person (me), and said that when I die, you must get a blanket and sleep outside, basically. I think this is wrong.
If he wants all his money to be given to his children, he should stay with his ex-wife. In this way, both parents agree on where the money is going. He didn’t want to go back because she cheated and she took drugs. So his headache became my headache.
He is not the first person I heard to say this, I think it is very self-centered, especially if we are together for a long time and I contribute to the marriage or relationship. I was just afraid that we might be together for many years. He was gone, and the children tried to sweep everything from under my feet, which I would never allow. I will not be pushed to the streets without everything.
There needs to be equality. If equality cannot be created, he should remain single. I have no children, and I usually oppose dating people with children. This is one of the reasons.
Part of the reason for marriage is to accumulate wealth together. If we get married for a long time, I will make sure to entrust the money to him, as well as some close friends, and possibly my nephew. I will never tell him that he will get nothing.
This is not my prince charming. This is not the life I want. I don’t think he understands that if we are together for a long time, his child will be my child anyway. They will ask for nothing. I like this person, but I don’t think he has the right view of my future.
I guess he noticed my frustration and he stopped texting. I did not discuss this issue with him, but I think he understands it. Any suggestions?
PS, due to the newly discovered drug problem of his ex-wife, he may live with him with his children. The older two don’t want to live with him. He said he would not separate them. Either they all come, or they all stay.
-Not sure in Pennsylvania
Dear not sure,
He really said, “After I die, you have to cover a blanket and sleep outside”? If this is him, I hope you will end your date at that time. But I have a hunch that this is your explanation of what he told you.
On the first date, estate planning is a terrible topic. Before you worry about how a potential partner will take care of you after you die, think about what it would be like to live with them.
This person has given you valuable insights into how he treats the people in his life. To be clear, I mean his child, not you. Obviously, he has never invited you into the family unit, nor has he caused your headaches.
I am skeptical of those who flaunt their wealth or reveal personal details of their ex on the first date. But even if you take what he told you as fact, he still has a way to live as he wants. However, he chose to move out of the state, leaving his five children with their drug-abusing mothers. Would you think it would be better to date him if he told you that his child had nothing after death?
If you want to be someone’s number one financial priority and build an empire together, I think it makes sense to date someone without children. But remember, the older you are, you will screen out many potential partners.
If you are worried about being penniless in old age, please stop waiting for Prince Charming. Be your own prince charming.Focus on your career, your Retirement savings Live within your means.
You might think that this person and others who think like him should remain single. But you can’t get a decisive vote for who puts yourself in the dating pool. All you can do is set the standard for yourself and the relationship you pursue.
Before getting into each other’s financial situation, focus on finding a decent person. No two people can agree on everything. But rational people can compromise when they build a life together.
I hope you can apply what I told you to future suitors. But you really don’t need advice to deal with this person. You think your views are incompatible, and he hardly texts you. Think this is a solved problem.