How can I deal with a husband who refuses to work?

Dear T.,

This marriage sounds like trying to participate in a marathon in cement shoes. It doesn’t matter how well your job or your wife is doing. You have nowhere to go, because every step is a struggle.

Therefore, you need to consider what makes yourself more afraid: divorce or live like this forever? Because from your description, I think these are just two options for you.

Your husband has the freedom to do everything on his own terms. You work two. He started to play. You have been his safety net for 11 years.

I think you know that your problem is much bigger than your husband’s money and career choices. If you have an unlimited supply of funds, and neither of you need work, then this particular problem may disappear. But I don’t think you will have a happy marriage, because his needs are the first.

In a healthy marriage, when there is no vision between the spouses, there is room for compromise. But it sounds like you can choose option A, which will work hard to bear the financial burden of two people. There is option B? No one. If you agree to anything other than Option A, then you are a bad guy. That is a terrible position.

What if you decide it’s your turn to change careers or start a business? Will your husband do everything you need to do because of his immortal faith in you?

But I understand why this is such a difficult decision. On the surface, this seems easier because you are the breadwinner. You don’t have to maintain a bad relationship because you can’t afford food and shelter.

But after you fix everything, it’s hard to let your loved ones fall on their faces. The idea of ​​separating yourself from someone who has built a life for many years is overwhelming. If you have children together, things will become more complicated.

If you want to save this marriage and don’t want to feel exhausted every day, you need to have a frank conversation with your husband to understand your needs for him. Remember, equality does not necessarily mean that you have the same income. Each partner puts similar energy into the relationship.

I don’t know what your past discussions were like. Perhaps if you have been focused on reluctance to fund another business that may fail, then if you refocus your conversation on the pressure of being responsible for everything, you will be more efficient. If your husband refuses to give in or even discuss it, he will tell you that there is nothing to save.

I do think you should at least talk to a divorce lawyer so you can understand your options. This does not mean that you must archive. But sometimes, just knowing what will happen can make things less scary. A lawyer can guide you through the process and financial considerations, such as alimony and asset division. They can also help you determine if you can take any steps now to protect your financial situation.

There is always the possibility of the divorce certificate being served, which is the motivation for the husband to start taking his own needs seriously. If he knows that his safety net may be torn from under him, maybe he will be able to hold on to an imperfect job. But I will not count on it. Some people are willing to work hard for laziness. It sounds like your husband is one of them.

Accept the idea of ​​divorce, life will become more difficult in the short term. I hope your husband makes things as difficult as possible. But, imagine life in five years. Finance is certainly part of it, but it is not the only consideration. Ask yourself if you will feel more free and happy if you don’t participate in this marriage. If the answer is yes, then you know what the solution is.

Your husband has accurately told you that he has been 11 years. Listen to him. If you decide to stay, you must compare it with the facts, because things will be exactly the same 11 years from now.

Robin Hartill is a registered financial planner and senior writer for The Penny Hoarder.Send your tough money questions to [email protected].