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My mother-in-law is 89 years old and healthy. The reason I wrote this article is that in August 2019, my father-in-law died of cancer at the age of 88. There are eight brothers and sisters in total. Husband ranks the boss, sister-in-law ranks fifth, with a power of attorney from the parents.
When my father-in-law was in the hospital, my husband and his sister talked about financial needs. My sister-in-law and her husband have been helping my in-laws for years, but they said they were eliminated. After speaking with me later, my husband told me that he would give them money to help them pay for their funeral expenses. He gave them a check for $5,000, and the money was taken from one of our credit cards.
My sister-in-law accepted the check, but did not allow my husband to attend the funeral of my father-in-law at all. Even after my husband asked him if he could reciting the eulogy, she told him that she was reciting the eulogy and had already selected other family members to participate in other participating parts.
She has five pages to talk about, but she only mentioned herself, her husband and their dog, about how meaningful our father-in-law is in their lives. She did not mention her seven siblings, or 13 grandchildren and 11 great-grandchildren. Many family members and friends who attended said that if she was the only child, rather than one of the eight siblings, then the way she said the eulogy would appear.
I expect the same result for my mother-in-law’s funeral, but this time I want to tell my husband that we will not help pay for any funeral expenses. If he insists, I only want him to give 500 dollars instead of 5,000 dollars. We did pay off $5,000 in less than a year, but I don’t want us to be so generous to my sister-in-law in the future, even for my mother-in-law’s funeral.
I realize that my dissatisfaction is obvious in my letter, but I do hope that we do the right thing. What should we do?
-ban
Dear desperadoes
Your problem reminds me of the old proverb that funerals are held for the living, not the dead. Nevertheless, if you want to do the right thing, it needs to be related to your mother-in-law, not your sister-in-law.
This is not to say that you and your husband should not consider what you can afford. But you need to separate the budget from the trivial family drama.
You don’t have to like your sister-in-law. But I think when it comes to how she handles your father-in-law’s funeral, you need to save her from suspicion, for two reasons.
One, it’s really hard to make a eulogy for your parents. Due to tension and sadness, her message may not be delivered as expected.
But more importantly, your sister-in-law has been helping your in-laws for many years. Supporting them while they are alive is more important than giving a good eulogy. Even if you think she mishandled the funeral, thank her.
If you charge your credit card with $5,000 again and spend a year to pay it off will cause serious stress, you should discuss this with your husband. There are eight brothers and sisters, maybe they can more evenly share the last arranged expenses of your mother-in-law. Maybe by planning this final expenditure now, they can alleviate the burden on any sibling.
But remember, paying for a funeral is not the same as buying a Super Bowl advertisement. Spending more money does not necessarily give you more time. Even if your husband and his siblings share the expenses equally, it is unlikely that everyone will get equal time. With eight brothers and sisters, this will be a long funeral.
Try to separate the monetary aspect from the service approach. It is up to your husband and his siblings to decide. If he and other siblings feel excluded from the services of your father-in-law, they should speak out and tell your sister-in-law. Think about how you want your husband to respond to the death of your immediate family member. If you do not agree to limit your contributions to $500, please do not impose this limit on your husband.
At the same time, support your mother-in-law while she is alive. This need not involve money. If you haven’t, please prioritize regular visits. Your husband should encourage his brothers and sisters to do the same.
Don’t worry too much about the details of your mother-in-law’s funeral, it may be a long time later. The right thing to do here is to focus on making the rest of her years meaningful.
Robin Hartill is Penny Hoarder’s certified financial planner and senior author.Send your tough money questions to [email protected].
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