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I just discovered two new debit cards in my husband’s name. One is an Ally debit card, which means he has a secret checking account going on. The other is a PayPal debit card for his small business he does on the side. He has never told me about the PayPal one, but I understand this one. The other card is a complete surprise to me.
I have always found something peculiar and secretive about him. He is a quiet person and is not proactive about our bills, hence, why I pay the bills. He does not talk about what he is involved in. I have to draw it out of him to know what he is up to. I understand being quiet, but this is a marriage and it is not seamless in terms of anything.
What upsets me is that for our anniversary of 24 years, we decided not to spend too much on each other, as we just got my car fixed. I bought him some inexpensive shirts that did not break the bank. He, on the other hand , bought me protein granola bars! Seriously, no flowers or a candle, something to show he cared. Then I think of these other accounts he has and he buys me that?
Penny, what should I do? We have teenage daughters, but I am tired of this. I am just not happy with this marriage. I love him, but at the same time I feel alone, if that makes sense.
-L.
Dear L.,
Maybe your husband thinks you really love protein granola bars. Or maybe each of you had your own definition of what would constitute spending “too much” on an anniversary gift. But surely you know that this isn’t about protein granola bars, or even secret bank accounts.
After 24 years of marriage, your gut is telling you something is off. You know you’re unhappy. I can’t tell you whether to stay or go. What I can tell you is that you’ll stay unhappy if something doesn’t t change.
Since you’re not happy in this relationship, it’s worth at least meeting with a divorce attorney. Some offer free consultations. You don’t have to take any action from there….
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