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I got engaged in January 2021 and I am very happy to start wedding planning right away. Both my mother and I were very excited and immediately set about budgeting and entering the planning process.
She initially agreed to pay for the reception and some ceremonies. We have almost everything sorted out now, but as we get closer and closer to the wedding date, she is getting more and more pressure on money. Of course I am very happy, but every time I turn around, my mother asks me to contribute more and more money to the part she agreed to pay.
I have paid for one or two things because I feel obligated to help my mother as much as possible, but I have not established myself financially like her. My budget is somewhat limited, and her budget can be said to be flexible.
I recently started to draw a line with her, but this only upsets her. I don’t want to go broke while trying to make everyone happy, but I also feel like a terrible daughter.
-One kind.
Dear A.,
Some people reading this article will undoubtedly make you think you are an ungrateful daughter. I don’t think this is the case here. When someone tells you they will pay for something and then withdraw, it’s tough. If your wedding is approaching, you may not have many options to cut costs, but if your mother speaks out earlier, you will have these options.
You said you tried to “draw a clear line” with your mother. But, have you tried to talk to her from a place where you are worried about her panic?
Yes, your mother has more time to make money than you. But she didn’t have much time to earn back the money she spent.The ancient rules about who pays for the wedding put great pressure on parents to agree Wedding budget This is usually beyond their capacity.
Wedding budgets are notorious for being out of control. Not surprisingly, your mom is a little shocked, especially if she agrees to pay certain fees without setting a dollar limit for her donations. Even if you are not over your budget, you must understand the ins and outs of your mother. No matter how well you prepare for a large expenditure, paying it can be painful.
Try to talk to your mother when she is not in a panic. There is only one way to start this kind of dialogue-and that is to express gratitude.
Tell your mother, it is obvious how much pressure your wedding expenses have put her on. Ask her what her specific concerns are. Did the wedding cost exceed her expectations? Did her financial situation change after you got engaged? Is she over-committed because of excitement?
You may find that she is worried whether she has saved enough money. Or, if you have siblings, she may worry that they will expect the same contribution after they get married. It is easy to see that parents have always been a good provider and think that they have many resources. But usually, their financial situation is not as robust as you might expect.
Maybe this conversation will let your mother know if she can really afford all these expenses. If you have been maintaining reasonable costs and she is not worried about her savings, then this conversation may reinforce the facts. But if you find that your wedding expenses make her feel serious anxiety, I think you should do everything you can to lighten her burden.
I think it’s too late to take major cost-cutting measures, such as reducing the number of employees or changing venues. But you have other options. Over time, can you and your fiance propose to repay part of her expenses? Can you earn extra income between now and the wedding to cover more expenses? Or, your fiance’s parents may help pay more.
I know your mother’s change of heart is frustrating. However, even if it is not the whole event, even if they have just started, many newcomers will pay for the important part of the wedding. Knowing that your mother will not panic when exchanging vows, you will enjoy your wedding more.
Robin Hartill is Penny Hoarder’s certified financial planner and senior author.Send your tough money questions to [email protected].
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