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You won’t always fall in love with people in your tax class. Judging from dear Penny’s inbox, this difference is usually a big source of pressure in relationships.
You don’t have to be in the same place in terms of money for a relationship to succeed. However, if you can’t find a way to become an equal partner, then a wide disparity in income or debt levels may disrupt the transaction. Here are four dilemmas on how to fall in love with someone who earns more or less than you.
“My rich boyfriend is worried that if we get married, it will increase his burden.”
Dear Petunia,
I am a 35-year-old woman who has been divorced. My boyfriend is 38 years old and has never been married. We have been dating for two years and everything is great. Recently, we have been talking about our future, but money is a little troublesome for him.
His income is much higher than mine (about four to five times that of mine), and he is worried that my low income means that if we decide to get married, when we grow up, I will become his burden. In my opinion, I am very responsible for the money I make. I have no debts and I pay all the bills myself.
I didn’t ask him for anything, although I knew that at this rate, my retirement savings would be meager, while his would be substantial. If he wants to travel and does not feel pain that he has to pay all the expenses for me in the future, it may cause problems.
Do you have any suggestions for us?
-R.
Dear R.,
This has been a wonderful two years. You are talking about getting old together. Then the topic turns to how much money you make, and how you might become a burden to your boyfriend in the future.
This does not sound wonderful to me. This sounds cruel.
Read the full column Here.
“We want to travel after COVID, but he is too poor”
Dear Petunia,
I am 70 years old and a 6 year old widow. I have been married for nearly 43 years. Two years ago, I met a man from New England on a dating site who was a little older than me. We are healthy and physically active. We like dancing, hiking and visiting new places.
He doesn’t have much money. His social security is the lowest. He saved the money, and lived on the money he earned from his business and the settlement money sent to him by his ex-wife, which will end in two years. His house has been paid off, his expenses are low, and his money is very careful.
My husband makes me financially secure. We are always very careful about money and have never lived a luxurious lifestyle. I have two financially independent adult children.
The person I saw didn’t have much disposable income and didn’t care. I am not sure about the long-term future in which he feels this way. When this pandemic is over, we all want to travel and do more, but I don’t want to travel cheaply. I am not talking about fine restaurants and five-star hotels. It’s just somewhere in between. I have no problem paying my share, but not for both of us.
Is this relationship doomed because of our different attitudes towards finances? Should we enjoy what we have?
-Am I too old to have all this?
My dear, am I too old,
You found someone who is not rich, but will he make your life richer? Your letter yelled “yes” to me.
You have the same hobbies. You like his family and friends. It seems that he and you are equal partners, even if he cannot pay 50% of the bill.
Your boyfriend sounds like someone who wisely manages the little money he has. He can afford his way of life-he just can’t afford your way of life.
Read the full column Here.
“Will my huge salary scare away the man I date?”
Dear Petunia,
As a single girl in her 20s, I lead a decent life in an area where the cost of living is relatively low. My income far exceeds that of ordinary people here, especially at my age.
As I became more serious about dating, I found that my generation was very candid about their finances, and many of the men I dated were even shocked by the implication of the money I made.
As millennials become more and more casual when talking about their finances, when do you plan to disclose your income in a relationship?
-K.
Dear K,
Pretend that you are negotiating salary with a person you are dating. When you enter the conversation, expect you to become a higher earner. But then this man surprised you. How would you feel if he revealed that his income was three or four times yours?
Read the full column Here.
“My fiance was fired, but I did not sign up to be a breadwinner”
Dear Petunia,
My fiancé lost his job nearly six months ago and received considerable severance pay. We use most of the money to pay off debts and make a living on my salary.
The money I made is enough to pay our bills, but the money left is very small. We live a hermit life, and we don’t save money for emergencies or the goal of buying a house.
My fiancé doesn’t seem to think this is a problem because we are making ends meet. He doesn’t look for a job and hangs out at home all day, saying that he needs a break.
Penny, I never wanted to be the only income earner. I hate living on salary. Whenever I asked him when he started looking for a job, he would tell me not to nag him anymore.
How can I let him know how much pressure I have on our finances?
-Squeak
Dear squeak,
Try to say: “I have pressure on our finances.”
Let’s talk about it when you are awake. Don’t say this after a hellish working day, and don’t say it when you are arguing about whose turn to wash the toilet. Say it quickly.
Read the full column Here.
Are there any questions about love and money?send to [email protected] Robin Hartill is Penny Hoarder’s certified financial planner and senior writer.
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