How to deal with abusive work situations

Anna’s attempts to seek help from her manager to cope with abusive colleagues proved to be in vain. “My boss just told me,’He’s an idiot-wait for him to screw it up’.”

Since her job is relatively new, she lacks allies to express her views on the marketing company she joins. Feeling miserable and lonely, she contacted me for psychological counseling, trying to find a way to deal with her situation.

Like Anna, many people are struggling to find the clarity and confidence needed to escape from the abusive environment at work. Instead, they tend to think, “What did I do wrong?”

In a highly turbulent situation, it is easy to overestimate your role in what is happening, because it is likely to be the product of organizational dysfunction, or simply boils down to personal behavior: a bullying boss or a toxic colleague. The culprit is usually successful and attractive, which only adds to confusion.

Also, if your impressive work is enviable, then trying to correct the problem by improving your performance will only make things worse. Similarly, if trying to defend yourself is interpreted as questioning the ability of the offender, then you are unlikely to understand your point of view. Expressing your feelings to colleagues who make your life miserable is only wise if they can control their emotions.

Anna is an American in her early thirties. When this aggressive colleague broke into her job, attacked her character, complained about her and threatened to fire her, she worried that her job would be affected. Things got worse because this situation triggered traumatic memories of her bullying as a child.

She explained: “I have an opinion about a person’s behavior, and he started to question this. This makes me wonder: “Is there any problem with me?” “And because I don’t know where the calibration is, it creates a great degree of fear and constant fear.”

I explained that her colleague’s behavior was almost certainly to make Anna feel sad, so as not to feel inappropriate. It seems that this colleague will not leave, and the company is unlikely to take any action. Once Anna can face these realities, she will be able to get out of the predicament and plan to quit.

She said: “In our conversation, what is useful is to unravel the organization’s culture, psychology, and DNA-obviously, the organization does not care. There is a CEO who has a strong desire for control, and he believes that others are completely replaceable. , And the value is zero.”

Changing her point of view not only alleviated her fear, but also restored her confidence. She no longer allows herself to be the target of unfair predictions by colleagues. With this insight, she can react to what actually happened, rather than relive the trauma of childhood.

“I don’t like to deal with yelling and’BS’, but I [now] Realize that being unpleasant by the rain is just unpleasant. It doesn’t make any sense to me, it just means I’m getting wet. ”

At work, there is little time, expertise, or motivation to solve deep-rooted psychological problems. It is usually easier to accept negative predictions from others than to accept that your organization is neither interested in you nor protecting you from harm.

However, a person’s self-esteem is severely hit, and the risk of burnout or depression is high. This mentality can affect thinking and concentration, leading to a decline in one’s self-confidence and performance. Therefore, the best goal should be to protect yourself. Do not challenge them when possible, move to another position in the company or find another job, thereby limiting the damage.

Although the prospect of leaving can be daunting for some people, especially when their confidence is declining, leaving a toxic situation is much easier than recovering from its devastating long-term effects.

The 35-year-old Michael is a communications officer for a manufacturing company and initially assumed responsibility for the conflict with the manager. But in fact, his boss admires Michael’s exuberant personality and imaginative ideas. When he did well, his boss lashed out.

“I feel very depressed,” Michael said. “There is a kind of madness-I began to think that there must be a private language or way of doing things that I have not read, and my skills have nothing to do with them.

“I now realize that it doesn’t depend on me. My manager is very insecure and projects his anxiety onto his team.”

Michael’s psychological makeup is such that when things get tough, he always tries to adapt and works harder, but this only exacerbates the problem. His learning curve is the realization that regardless of his commitment, motivation, and integrity, he will never thrive in this particular organization. In the end, he was able to walk away, knowing that the failure was not his.

“For many years, I have thought that work is to verify you, but there I found that no matter how hard I tried, verification never came. It was a thought-provoking experience, and it really made me mature.”

It can be frustrating to realize that not everything can be solved, but it is also gratifying that not everything depends on you.

“I have a visibly over-exaggerated feeling about my ability to shape the organization,” Michael said. “It’s like an abusive relationship, it’s hard to muster the courage to leave-in the end this is the best thing I have ever done.”

If you find yourself demoralized, frustrated, or exhausted at work because of an abusive relationship or a toxic culture, find someone you can trust—a former mentor, close colleague, or coach with psychological experience—to give you an opinion. They may be able to interrupt the self-destructive monologue in your mind and provide more realistic explanations and solutions for your consideration.

Also ask yourself if the situations are just difficult and need to be resolved, or if they are a symptom of a difficult individual or a larger cultural problem that is unlikely to change.

Staying away from toxic environments is a power, almost always a relief. Understanding this experience will not only make you forget your bad job, but it will also make you forget your bad feelings. The ultimate goal is to leave with complete self-worth.

The author is a business consultant and psychotherapist. She is the author of the forthcoming new book “People Who Misunderstand Work for Their Life”.