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My boyfriend and I have been together for seven years. Unfortunately, we are not in a good financial position and are paying down our debt through a debt relief company. Even so, we are still sad.
I make $40,000 a year. As a building contractor, he makes less than $30,000 a year and doesn’t even have a W-2, so his taxes are very expensive during tax season. He also buys cigarettes and weed weekly, which is also a big change. He claims he wants to get ahead, but he won’t budget or look for a better job.
what should I do? I tried talking to him but he got defensive about it and walked away. Should I end the relationship because he doesn’t want to grow up?
– Emphasize girlfriend
dear emphasis,
The problem with being in a relationship with someone who won’t grow up is that you feel more like a parent than a partner. It’s been seven years. From what you’ve told me, I don’t expect your boyfriend to change his ways.
If your boyfriend expects his finances to get better without making any changes, he’s out of touch with reality. But it wasn’t the cigarettes, marijuana, or refusal to plan for the huge tax bill he received every year that bothered me the most. In fact, when you expressed concern, his response was to walk away from the conversation. This shows a problem that goes well beyond money.
I’m in favor of dumping this guy unless he gives you some reason to think he’ll turn things around. But I get it: Breaking up is hard, especially when you’ve been together for years.
If you’re not ready to end things yet, you can see if he’s willing to make a small change instead of calling for a complete overhaul. It’s understandable why you’d want him to get a better paying job or stop wasting money on smoking. But changing jobs or letting go of long-standing habits can be overwhelmingly stressful.
You can start with things that are unlikely to make him defend, like telling him how stressed you are each year filing your taxes.Independent contractors should Pay tax quarterly Instead of waiting until tax season to pay, you can pay whenever you want. Ask him if he can start paying taxes every week or on payday so you don’t panic about next year’s tax time.
This is a relatively minor requirement compared to changing jobs or quitting smoking. If your boyfriend is still reluctant to budge, he will send you a clear message that things will never change. As long as the relationship continues, your chances of achieving financial stability are virtually nonexistent.
I think you should start preparing your finances now, assuming you are ending the relationship. If you can save a little extra by doing less or extra work, do it. Be sure to keep the money in a bank account in your name. If you don’t think your current home can be afforded by income alone, check out alternatives in the area. You might want to ask around to see if someone you know is looking for a roommate.
I’m not sure if you are in a joint debt management program or if the debt is in one person’s name. If you have joint liability, you may want to ask the company you are working with if you can separate your debt. Given your boyfriend’s poor track record when it comes to finances, I don’t believe he’s going to take his share when you do.
Sometimes people need motivation to change. Your boyfriend is obviously happy for you to absorb the stress of his decision. Maybe the breakup will give him the boost he needs to grow.
In any case, the days of your boyfriend stopping you are numbered. Either he learns to act like an adult or you go.
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