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My husband knows that I am in debt. He just didn’t know how bad it was. He quit his job last year. Now I am the only source of income. While he is trying to become a YouTuber and take care of our children full-time, he is draining his savings.
I don’t want to tell him how bad this is because I am embarrassed. I can’t stop consumption. It’s like mental illness or something. How can I stop it?
-L.
Dear L.,
It’s hard to imagine who is afraid that more conversation needs to happen: you or your husband.
Your spending is a sign of a deeper problem. You don’t want to reveal how much debt you have accumulated because you are deeply ashamed.
But I suspect that your husband knows there is a problem-and he doesn’t want to know how serious it is. His “don’t ask, don’t tell” method made him very relaxed. He can pretend that this is your problem, not his problem.
Before you discuss further, I want to talk about the mental health factors you mentioned.
I hope you can discuss your experience with your doctor. Compulsive consumption is not an official diagnosis, but research shows that many people overspend when dealing with negative emotions such as depression and anxiety. Treating any underlying disease may be the key to controlling behavior.
Of course, part of me wants to know if your husband is an important part of the underlying problem. Without more details, I don’t want to rush to make judgments here. But I want to know whether your current settings are more of the product of your family’s parenting needs or your husband’s desire to become famous online.
If he is a loyal full-time father, while pursuing his YouTube hobby, that’s one thing. However, if your husband sees himself as a future YouTube star and he happens to watch his children during the day, obviously, the problem is even greater. If everything is related to him, then the problem you are dealing with will be very difficult to solve.
But in fact, the details have not changed the fact that you need to tell him your debts as soon as possible. Considering the path you are currently on, I am worried that your financial situation will soon collapse. Once your husband runs out of his savings, he will rely on you even more. At the same time, your overspending will undoubtedly push up your monthly debt payments. So far, you can only extend one salary.
Before you tell your husband, make sure you know how much money you really owe. Don’t rely on memory or guesswork. Many people who are deeply in debt have greatly underestimated their debts. Check every credit card and loan statement to accurately calculate this. If you have avoided it, quantifying your debt may seem scary at first. But once you know exactly what you are dealing with, you may feel better.
Next, try to participate in a Debtor anonymity Have a meeting or two. Many chapters meet online. Just talking and listening to people who are struggling like this may help you feel less lonely.
Before having this conversation, remind your husband that you need to talk first. When another person knows that you need to discuss something serious, bad news is easier to accept. Try something like, “I’m worried about our expenses. Can you talk about our bill after dinner tonight?”
There is no easy way to start this conversation. Tell him directly how much debt you have as soon as possible. Prepare your credit card and loan statements. Be prepared to answer questions about how you spend your money. Expect your husband to be angry at first, especially if you misled him about the debt.
The next step is for both of you to participate Credit Counseling. Look for non-profit organizations on the website American Financial Advisory Association or National Credit Counseling Foundation.
A credit advisor can help you determine how to solve your debt problem.They can usually work out a Debt management planIt will not reduce the amount you owe, but it will turn your credit card debt into a lower monthly payment. Although you can keep a credit card in case you need it, you must close other accounts, which makes overspending more difficult.
Do your best to make it harder to spend money. Delete the shopping app, unsubscribe from emails from your favorite stores, and just put the debit card in your wallet.
More importantly, you and your husband need to arrange a time each week to exceed your budget and weekly expenses. View all credit card and bank statements. Knowing that this check-in is coming may depress your spending.
You may find that it is not enough for you to be the only income earner. Your husband may need to find a job, even if it means budgeting for childcare. This decision needs to consider what is best for your family, not his YouTube channel.
It will be difficult to tell your husband about your debts. But in the end, I think once you no longer carry the burden of this secret, you will be relieved.
Robin Hartill is Penny Hoarder’s certified financial planner and senior author.Send your tough money questions to [email protected].
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